Monthly Archives: January 2010

Clothesline Wall Art

Here is an easily updatable wall feature for your home. You’ll need scissors, mini clothes line clips, twine, four nails, and your favorite cards/handkerchiefs or if you are really excitable – birds and softies.

There isn’t any science to this. (1) Figure out how high up the wall you want your first row to reach and nail in your first nail. I chose my eye height. I made the nail on the left to be a little lower than the nail to the right. (2) Once you take the plunge and get those first two nails in, run a line of twine loosely across them being sure to leave some sag to create a pleasant curve. We want a relaxing clothes line. Nothing taunt or tense. (3) When you get that first line up you can start on the lower line. I chose to make the nail on the left be a little higher than the one on the right, but it is really up to you how you want it to work. You need to leave a good two feet between the two rows since you’ll be having stuff hang off them and want to give them room to breathe.

(4) Next we have the fun part. Take your clips and the items you have selected and string them up. You might at first think this would only look nice with Christmas cards, but hopefully as the seasons change you’ll find other items to hang out to dry. Obviously you can’t put up anything that weighs too much or anything that has the tendency to curl in heat. I’ve typically stuck with card stock and fabric, but experiment to see what suites you the best.

My Top Ten “Better Off Ted” Quotes

The show might not last for much longer (I am holding this against the American public for picking a show about fat people over scripted television.) but the laughs will still go on. http://www.savebetteroffted.com

Here are my Top Ten Better Off Ted Quotes:
in order of appearance

Racial Sensitivity (01×04)

Ted: The system doesn’t see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That’s more than weird, Veronica. That’s basically, well… racist.
Veronica: The company’s position is that it’s actually the opposite of racist, because it’s not targeting black people. It’s just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is “indifferent.”
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please… at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they’re working on it. In the meantime they’d like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.

Win Some, Dose Some (01×05)

Phil: Linda, you can’t hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it’s morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love ’em.

Beating a Dead Workforce (02×06)

Veronica: I heard about Jenkins’ death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal’s position is, we don’t know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They’re also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.

Beating a Dead Workforce (02×06)

Veronica: Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I’ve devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn’t she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I’d leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it’s really quite simple. You take a person’s most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia–male, female, or animal–and end with the suffix “-bag,” “-wipe”, or “-muncher.”
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Veronica: I do hate this feeling. I hate it like I hate…
Linda: Don’t tell me. The Dutch.
Veronica: I don’t hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That’s why I hold them to a higher standard.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Veronica: So this is guilt, huh? In the past, I’ve always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions, like sugar or drunk.

Lust in Translation (02×10)

Ted: The Germans are worried about working with us because ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That’s like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry.

Mess of a Salesman (02×11)

Veronica: A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
Linda: So you’re saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?
Veronica: Yes, we would have liked that. We’re going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
Linda: There’s really no middle ground with you, is there. Either you don’t care at all, or you care 100-and crazy%.
Veronica: What else is there?

Mess of a Salesman (02×11)

Phil: That’s right, once a month they send us a new cadaver whether we’re finished with the old one or not

And a runner up:

Linda: I can’t stand that Veronica makes fun of me in meetings. If the boss doesn’t respect me, other people won’t. Including the little Linda in my head. And even on a good day, that little bitch won’t shut up.