My Top Ten “Better Off Ted” Quotes

The show might not last for much longer (I am holding this against the American public for picking a show about fat people over scripted television.) but the laughs will still go on.

Here are my Top Ten Better Off Ted Quotes:
in order of appearance

Racial Sensitivity (01×04)

Ted: The system doesn’t see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That’s more than weird, Veronica. That’s basically, well… racist.
Veronica: The company’s position is that it’s actually the opposite of racist, because it’s not targeting black people. It’s just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is “indifferent.”
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please… at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they’re working on it. In the meantime they’d like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.

Win Some, Dose Some (01×05)

Phil: Linda, you can’t hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it’s morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love ’em.

Beating a Dead Workforce (02×06)

Veronica: I heard about Jenkins’ death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal’s position is, we don’t know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They’re also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.

Beating a Dead Workforce (02×06)

Veronica: Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I’ve devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn’t she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I’d leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it’s really quite simple. You take a person’s most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia–male, female, or animal–and end with the suffix “-bag,” “-wipe”, or “-muncher.”
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Veronica: I do hate this feeling. I hate it like I hate…
Linda: Don’t tell me. The Dutch.
Veronica: I don’t hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That’s why I hold them to a higher standard.

The Impertence of Communicationizing (02×08)

Veronica: So this is guilt, huh? In the past, I’ve always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions, like sugar or drunk.

Lust in Translation (02×10)

Ted: The Germans are worried about working with us because ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That’s like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry.

Mess of a Salesman (02×11)

Veronica: A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
Linda: So you’re saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?
Veronica: Yes, we would have liked that. We’re going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
Linda: There’s really no middle ground with you, is there. Either you don’t care at all, or you care 100-and crazy%.
Veronica: What else is there?

Mess of a Salesman (02×11)

Phil: That’s right, once a month they send us a new cadaver whether we’re finished with the old one or not

And a runner up:

Linda: I can’t stand that Veronica makes fun of me in meetings. If the boss doesn’t respect me, other people won’t. Including the little Linda in my head. And even on a good day, that little bitch won’t shut up.


4 thoughts on “My Top Ten “Better Off Ted” Quotes

  1. Not sure if you still maintain this blog, but first: i think your site is beautiful! Second, unfortunately, “Better Of Ted” did not last (such a sad testament to the American public). I am a writer, currently working on a story abut GMOs and couldn’t help but continually reference “BOT” dialogs and quotes while researching for my article. Thus, I found your site. Thank you for your collection of laughter. It alleviated my doldrums, boredom and anxiety all at the same time while.

    And now a word (or laugh from our sponsor),

    “Thank-you Veridian.”

    • I still miss Better Off Ted an awful lot. Insult to injury the s2 DVDs are still not out. I work in advertising and our clients often remind me of Veridian. I always got a laugh out of their comercials and of course the whole Jabberwocky fiasco. Oh, America. We deserve the crappy CBS sitcoms we get for not supporting good tv when we have the chance.

      Have you seen the outtakes? Hilarious and NSFW.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s